Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.