Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Extremely relatable.

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..