Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

Ion see the issue

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky