Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

what’s in a name?

“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

Huge, if true.

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

Me as a therapist: omg same

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.