Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.

My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.