Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

meanwhile over on facebook

Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.