*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
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Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Come back with a warrant
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.