Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

A coconut on holiday!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*