Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?