Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
You Might Also Like
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
When they try to steal your moment.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.