Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
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I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
my astrological sign is a french fry
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking