Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
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The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants