[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
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Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.