Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.

Friend: For Halloween?

Me: For what?

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.