Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

normalize having existential bread

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ