Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
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The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce