Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.

Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

The internet is full of many things

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International