Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
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Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I’m not wrong
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Ape together strong
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?