(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
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I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.