@patrickmarkryan

*filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* “the leather keeps sticking to my back” “for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on”

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@_steamy_mac

Nothing like going out to a crowded place to remind yourself why you never ever go to crowded places and also a lot of people smell bad and WHY ARE YOU STANDING SO CLOSE THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO BE TOUCHING ME THIS LINE ISN’T GONNA MOVE FASTER IF YOU’RE PRESSED AGAINST ME!!!

@jonnysun

[whole foods]
WHITE GIRL: excus me do u hav pumpkin
EMPLOYEE: (hands her a pumpkin) here
WHITE GIRL: no no no. PUMPKIN. its a type of spice

@imskytrash

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

@iLikeCatShirts

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

@RedRegenerated

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

@joejwest

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v?e?n?g?e?a?n?c?e?
grapes

@ThugRaccoons

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

@loribuckmajor

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”