You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
You Might Also Like
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
A friend sent me this.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”