Nothing like going out to a crowded place to remind yourself why you never ever go to crowded places and also a lot of people smell bad and WHY ARE YOU STANDING SO CLOSE THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO BE TOUCHING ME THIS LINE ISN’T GONNA MOVE FASTER IF YOU’RE PRESSED AGAINST ME!!!
*filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* “the leather keeps sticking to my back” “for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on”
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WHITE GIRL: excus me do u hav pumpkin
EMPLOYEE: (hands her a pumpkin) here
WHITE GIRL: no no no. PUMPKIN. its a type of spice
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
[he stops writing, frowns]
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
“What’re you like in the bedroom?”
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”