Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

#HatDadJoke

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.