Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
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Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
just arby’s bein’ a bro
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom