Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

😂

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?

19: I don’t want to tell you.

Me: Was it porn?

19: It’s worse.

Me: What was it?

19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2

😆😆😆

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.