Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
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I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
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Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
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2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
Encore…
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I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.