Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
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Real bees work best
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.