Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.

We all know that communication is the key.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

Okay, I’m still confused…

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

Me: Snack?

4: anything please

Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?

4: whatever you want

Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?

4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE

*brings snack*

4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.