Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

I’m gonna take this shit to another level!

*pushes elevator button*

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

NEW LAUNDRY RULES!

1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!

2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!

3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?

“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”

Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.

You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.

okay run it by me one more time