Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free

sales in 2024:

He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.