Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

[movie casting]

ME: I’m here for the stuntman job

“Do you have any experience?”

ME: No, but I took a…

“Please don’t”

ME: …crash course

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.

not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.

My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day

Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”

FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?