Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Solving a traffic jam

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer

“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.