Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
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I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do