Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
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My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Children of the corn 🌽
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
These are dark times.
~me, everyday at 4pm
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*