Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
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[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
🖤✌🏽
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
(Jupiter –
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Hey i am sexy to you now
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD