Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
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What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I feel this so hard
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.