Finally!
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If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
how much for the angry fruit?
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse