Finally!
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A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.