Finally! 😈
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The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner