Finally! 😈
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(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
As a doctor, I can confirm
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Accurate
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
We need it on priority
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir