Finally!
You Might Also Like
I will never stop laughing at this
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.