Finally!
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Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
smartest karate player in the world
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.