Finally!
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One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
All set.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.