Finally
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my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Joker: wait, you take photos of yourself and sell them to the paper where you work, to your boss who hates you?
Spider-Man: yea.
Joker: lol
Spider-Man: lmao
Joker: LMAO
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys