Finally
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Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.