finally
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i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
A drum solo but on your face.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
