finally
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I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
This week’s mood.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.