finally
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If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
He a real one for that
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet