Finally
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[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
Good morning ☺️
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Jokes are like sex. It’s all about the buildup and at the end they laugh at you.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close