Finally
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“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
That’s amazing.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
⛄️
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.