Finally
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Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,