Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?

Happy Dad Joke weekend

If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day

[Whoville]

Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more