Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!

Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.

Her:

Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

Always the vampires

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

Body: we’re going to bed

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.