FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
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Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
paddle faster i hear baby shark
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.