Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone

firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve

A dog opens the front door.

Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.

“Hey, buddy. How was work?”

And the dog goes “RUFF.”

My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?

My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise