Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
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I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
The Book. The Movie.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.