Finally, a door that understands me
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You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t