Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
You Might Also Like
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
The funk soul brother
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.