Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
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I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore