Finally a use for spoilers…
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paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I love twitter
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?