Finally a use for spoilers…
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According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Spoiler Alert: I was late
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
THIS HEADLINE
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.