Finally a use for spoilers…
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My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
girls literally only want one thing..
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Breakfast for Stoners: