Finally a use for spoilers…
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I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.