Finally a use for spoilers…
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10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.