Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
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We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Otters see a butterfly.
Them: “Did you know you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?”
Me: “Oh my brain does that when I’m out and I see people I know”
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos