Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

omg leave her alone

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.