Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
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The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.