Finally, an explanation.
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Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Morning all.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
It kinda feels like this rn
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.