Finally, an explanation.
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1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end