Finally, an instrument I can play!
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i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Where’s my employee discount too?
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
translated into Canadian
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you