Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

asking santa clause for nudes

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

From my Mom

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.