Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

17 animal photos that will make you do a double take

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”

The future:

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING