“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
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I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens