finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
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The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
no way 😭
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
RT if you could go either way.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
At least he brought enough for everyone
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.