Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

A French press is when you hug naked

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.