Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

nobody’s gonna understand

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*

My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????

Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.