Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
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I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Stonehinge
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.