Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

When your boss says it’s not a two person job.

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?

11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.

He’s already better than me at puns.

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess