Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
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Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud